What's in my pocket?

standing still...

2010-06-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

motionless i observe the stillness

of a picture hung but frame less

i can see all of its beauty

the world where everything is temporary

all of it up until the last second changes

as a river flows down the ages

most of the time i wish at all stop

from trains to planes going up

it would be beautiful, a world so still

when everyone needs to chill

when all of it is like a photograph

i'll surely take a moment to laugh

for when every single time i see

how ruthless and cruel beauty can be

i take a deep breath just to feel

on my back a wrenching chill

and as i start to shiver, i ponder

how staying still is a skill of wonder

invisible walls...

2010-03-11T08:48:00.000-08:00

if i could just break these walls of glass, then i'd be free
free from these restrictions i've built around me
if i could just loosen one rope or chain
maybe i'd be willing to break or gain

but these walls are built for my safety
built by my own fear and insecurity
i'd jump down a cliff for something
even knowing i could get nothing

even so, i took the risk, i leapt
nevertheless, the result had me swept
bound back by these chains of safety
never-ending fear and insecurity

and then, only then have i realized
it was good that i have survived
so i can pick myself up again
for another shot, for the promising gain

in a dream...

2010-01-31T08:20:00.000-08:00

i saw you, once in a dream
vivid, not surreal
even there you make me fall

i can see all the colors
as you spin your heels
i embrace the steep plummit

i watch you, never blinking
you have slain me so
with your monna lisa smile

i adore all that you are
before waking up
on the last burst of beauty

ano ba talaga gusto mo?

2010-01-20T07:00:00.000-08:00

ano ba talaga gusto mo?

yun bang anim na taon na sa high school?

yun bang astang gangster?

yun bang mukhang adik na chain smoker?

o yung sumuko na sa pag-aaral kasi tinamad lang basta?

pwede naman yung matino.

sumusunod sa bawat sabihin at hilingin mo.

nagpupursigi sa iskwela para sa magandang kinabuasan

at yung nagmamahal ng totoo sayo

hindi ako pulitikong nangangako ng kahit ano.

hindi rin ako naghahangad pa ng iba't-ibang bagay o gamit

hindi mo man maibigay nang buong-buo oras mo

basta't yakapin mo lang ako

wala na akong hihilingin pang iba.

wala na rin akong hahanapin pang iba.

wala ka mang gawing kakaiba o espesyal

mahalin mo lang ako, ayos na ayos na!

do as you said: "keep on dancing"....

2010-01-14T21:51:00.000-08:00

at times, we want to stay at a certain place and time
at times, we want to go back; to relive that certain moment over and over again
we cannot control the continuous flow of time
we cannot control the minds and desires of people

all we could do is hope for the best, and brace ourselves for whatever worsts may come

"I want you to know it's a little f***ed up that I'm stuck here waitin" -Mike Shinoda
is your favorite line of one of his songs

even if it's all we can do... just dance... dance it off... and let it all go away...

as you said:

"Life is a party, keep on dancing"

to all that you've lost...

2010-01-11T06:02:00.000-08:00

i saw you, seemingly asleep

right at a corner of the room

you were standing, softly leaning

you were plugged, softly listening

i, kiss the rain,

river flows in you, love me

nestled by your yiruma friend

you gently tear, one after one

from your cheeks to your weakened chest

i hear them fall, it pained me so

i, kiss the rain,

river flows in you, love me

i can only help you find rest

from all you troubles, and heartbreaks

i'll be a shoulder to your head

let me console, lend me your hand

i, kiss the rain,

river flows in you, love me

mosaic piece....

2010-01-07T20:47:00.000-08:00

watching the world move slowly
that is what i do
still, i observe all the views
as time passes through

everything feel so lifeless
all a dull moment
like a mosaic of mixed black
and white photographs

now i watch you move my world
it is what you do
never still, i observe you
as time flies through

ererything becomes lively
there're no dull moments
now etched in my memories
a very vibrant

mosaic piece....

-Azalaiah Ashwings

a bottle of wine and a lot of fireworks.....

2009-12-31T10:38:00.000-08:00

it's 2 in the morning and the celebration still hasn't ended...
new years day just can't get any more festive than this...

my father just bought a load of firecrackers yesterday end we enjoyed ourselves (me, my younger brother, and my dad) with the lights and bangs of the night...
my eardrums haven't felt this rattled-out after one complete year...

and as usual, telecoms suspended all messages and services during the crucial "heppy new year!" greeting time... i was pissed off for a moment because of that...
(i wasn't able to yell that greeting to my pickpocket... hahaha :D )

another year have come and go... and thus ended the first decade of the 21st century...

i haven't really done much this decade... "i just grew up", would be my answer to anyone who asked me... well, that's what i really did...
i went to elementary, and high-school, now undergoing college life... learned a lot of things... got new gadgets and stuff... got mugged and cried on the streets for it (i just laugh about it now).... made new friends and maintained old ones...

life still has so much to offer... this year still has much to offer itself, with the upcoming elections and such...

this will be a fresh start for me, a new year and the second decade of growth and discovery...
what will we discover next?... i guess we should still reinvent the wheel and strive for perfection...

and so, a toast!... for a new year and another adventure to life!... to us!...

a very happy new year to all!

-Azalaiah Ashwings

we sing, we dance, and we laugh all the more....

2009-12-18T09:36:00.000-08:00

these last few weeks have been the bomb...
as the title goes, well, that's pretty much all i did...
i partied harder than an part of my life...
oh happy days...

almost everyday became an adventure, everyday a new song to sing, and a new dance step...
everyday became much more colorful and vibrant with colors i've never seen before...
i want to live this life over and over again, until i memorize each line and situation...
i'd like to meet everyone again, say hello, exchange ideas once more...
i'd miss these days... as all of the other days before it...
especially to my dear pickpocket, without you, i won't have someone to chase after...

living a young life is tiring, and i'll treasure these moments...
when we grow old and wrinkly, these memories will make us relive these golden days of youth...

a toast to youth and happiness... another toast to life... and one last toast to us!

-Study hard, party ten powers harder!

pickpocket...

2009-12-15T05:33:00.001-08:00

there's nothing now in my pocket
all thanks to you, dear pickpocket.
why do you smile, and laugh, and dance
whilst i try to look for one golden chance.

are you willing to give back?
the thing i've lost from your attack.
i doubt i can ever have it again
what you've stolen, i can never retain.

dear pickpocket, know what?, you can keep it.
it's yours now, take good care of it.
but i think i'll steal something from you too,
someday, somehow, i think i'll be able to.

but for now, take good care
you'll never know then i'll be there.
to steal yours so i can have one too,
someday, somehow, i think i'll be able to.

-azalaiah

gray to milky way

2009-12-08T06:38:00.000-08:00

i stared up to the night sky,
it was dull and gray, the usual
you came near me, you asked why
said it was fine, said i was normal.

time flew away like a mocking bird,
soon enough your voice was all i heard
i told a joke, and you simply lauged
i looked silly, i thought i was daft

never have i seen a brighter face,
one that illuminated me so
a star on this lonely earth, i saw
i want to remain in this time and space.

under these artificial clouds i breathe,
i don't feel i am anywhere beneath
my dark and gloomy sky of gray,
turned into a one-star milky way

underneath the cloack... i see you

2009-12-04T07:18:00.000-08:00

underneath it all, i see you
the real you, i know who you are
you are my dearest friend,
i hope that i am yours too.

i know what you've been through,
i am the one who knows your secrets.
you are another part of me,
and i am the other side of you.

how the moon shines upon us,
we shine our lights to each other's path.
our dark sides we've shared always,
may it be lit by my light, i hope.

i pray for your well-being,
as i do i think how much i cherish,
every golden moment spent with you,
i will always remember.

you are my friend,
come to me and i will listen.
all your thoughts and emotions,
i will always hear them.

for i am the dark side of the moon,
and you are the stars that illuminate
this dark and secretive face of mine,
beneath the facade we see.

Pockets full of mud, muck, and river bottom dirt....

2009-10-11T06:21:00.001-07:00

the 26th... i could just laugh about it now but it was so far the hardest and most grueling half-day of every one's life... especially for the youth affected....

very, very, stupefying... (maniacal laugh) i was speechless for a few minutes after the waters settled... every one's minds were badly shaken and our bodies strained to our limits...

kinda makes me think about how weak and small we are compared to everything around us...

i saw dead people... water currents strong enough to carry around heavy cars and smash them into pieces with walls and cement posts... if it were people caught in there - there would be just a hairine chance of survival for them...

i survived, most of those affected did... we survived a great trial because of our willpower... our will to survive became much more stronger, and we came to respect more what nature can do...

monologues always make one breathe easier and smoother... whew... finally got some blogging done after so long...

let's all take a chill-pill and relax... enjoy a good frappe together with the nightlights of Marikina...

live life, and go off with a bang!

-Azalaiah

Problematic days? Pfft! What are those??

2009-09-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

Some thing's got me thinking for a while now... and it's about problems...

Kinda problematic for someone who usually don't give a heck out of anything...

Grades, money, social relationships and all that hoopla are common thins to worry about when you're still young and, well, going to school. And it made me think: "What would people do if their lives were perfect to begin with?"

Kinda impossible isn't it? I dunno!... Because you see, there really isn't such a thing as the standards of perfection... What the heck, maybe my life or everyone else's life is perfect to fit him already.
You worry 'bout the wrong things, the wrong things... Okay Kanye, i get the point...

Obsessive-compulsive people for ones, those are the ones who are always worrying about something... and so does Anal-retentive people with their outmost obsession for perfection; and they also creep me out at times...

Rambling randomly aout these things make me relaxed and refreshed... so kick it easy... lay it out for once and sleep to your heart's content...

"Don't worry about a thing... 'cause every little thing, is gonna be alright..."

Note: try not to kick it easy too hard or else you can't get anything done... moderation please...

A piece of paper with a dream written on it...

2009-09-08T06:37:00.000-07:00

101 doors
I was walking in a corridor; with wooden floorings and a cream-colored ceiling. There were red-wood doors adorned with the same copper-silver-gold eloquent patterns at each side of the corridor facing each other with a gap of three steps between or so. The floor however, was simply made with thin boards; because every step made a deep and hollow ‘wood’ sound, there was also a very long and expensive-looking carpet ‘red-velvet’, as I could recall the color; and the ceiling had numerous chandeliers which were placed every three doors or so.
So there I was, walking my own pace through the corridor, checking both left and right copper doorknobs, one for each hand. Every door was locked and only the shaking sound of a locked doorknob could be heard with every passing door. But then, as I saw at the end of the corridor, it was as far as my sight could reach; a pure-brown door, with no adornments on it, just a plain stainless doorknob and a wide board of wood for a door. I took a closer look and focused my eyesight onto the door; it was slightly opened and a faint sign of light passed through the narrow opening.
I started walking briskly, for no reason. I just went as I quickly shook the doorknobs as I passed them pair by pair; five steps gaps became six and seemed to increase as I went faster and faster. And before I knew it, I was already running. I began to perspire as those six step gaps became seven, then eight, then nine, and eventually leading to greater gaps between doors. Also, the corridor seemed to have tightened a bit; the once arm-span space became cramped up and I began to retract my hands as I move along.
Minutes have passed and I still was running, my stamina is at its limits and my clothes are already soaked with sweat; it was neither hot nor cold in that corridor, just the right temperature to be exact. As I moved on, faster and seemingly nearer to the end of the corridor; the door on the end just looked so distant and it gradually started to move away from my sight, as if the corridor was getting longer and longer by the second.
It was then when it hit me. Why did I want to go there? Why am I running? What am I doing? And just what is it with that certain door that I am tiring myself to go to?
These kinds of questions popped in and out of my mind as I went along. I wanted to stop at one point because it seemed so pointless, but my body just seemed to do what it was doing before and it feels like my own mind wants me to keep running.
I know it just might be a dream… it really is a dream if I think hard enough.
But like my body, I cannot even stop my own mind from wanting to go to that door.
So then came the plain-looking, ever slightly-opened wooden door. It finally stopped moving away from me, I panted and whipped out almost all of my remaining adrenaline and headed straight for the goal. The walls as I’ve noticed, were really getting closer as the red-wood doors’ copper doorknobs occasionally hit one of my arms; as the brown door went nearer and nearer, the walls seemed to get closer and closer, I felt more clustered by the second as the walls came to touch my shoulders.
My sprint quickly became a sideway hop as I tried to reach the end of the now rapidly narrowing corridor. I got clamped up between two red-wood doors as the narrowing walls formed a funnel-like shape beyond my reach. The wooden door was beyond a clearing; a wider space was before it and after came the inches-wide narrow opening of the funnel.
Almost there, just a little farther… I thought to myself as I slowly reached out my right hand.
The wooden door is there! Just beyond my reach, a little farther and I’ve got it…
I took a quick breath and looked at the door once again, it started to move; farther and farther away.

I was devastated; the unknown reasons of my actions seemed to have pummeled my head, stupified, it made me laugh desperately.
I laughed; and then cried.
Then the thin wooden flooring beneath me started to disintegrate; board after another.
I fell, into the seemingly-never-ending darkness beneath the corridor.
I hit the bottom of the darkness.
I wake.
Only to find myself back on my solitary bed.

A hole in my pocket......

2009-08-24T07:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since i've blogged... probably because i've been so poor lately that my wallet's already bone-dry...

Tons of schoolwork here, a few occasions every week, plus i've got a writer's block...
It's not enough a reason for me not to blog...
Though i've got lots of writing ideas for some of my very own literary works... pwahahaa...

Recently, i've been in touch with my otaku side and have been updating my own collection of mangas and animes... i've never been so content...

A hole in my mind and my creativity pocket... oh well... that's life...

i'd be glad to conjure some group work... if anybody's interested... pwahahaha....

until i patch my pocket holes...

-Azalaiah Ashwings

What if today was your last?

2009-08-03T06:28:00.000-07:00

Not so much for using Nickelback's new song as an inspiration for this entry... though there could be one or two inspirational song that could give us a simple reality check and make us look back on what we've been doing all these years... makes me wonder...

What if today was my last and i never knew about it?
Well that'd suck... really... I mean, I've been watching other people all the time... contemplating my place in the universe... thinking what would mom cook for lunch and/or dinner... those sorts of things...
i never even had the chance to say things i should've said a long time ago...
i haven't even tasted a Shawarma (Beef Burrito) yet...
i won't have the chance to say goodbye to everyone close to me... now that's a bummer....

It raises another question.....

What if today was your last day, and you knew about it?
Oh boy, what a bummer... I'm gonna die in the next few hours and it'll be all over... well this sucks... (I'd say that)
But there's no turning back then... It'll be so hard to accept... though i'll only accept it after having a few golden laugh-trips with my friends and a staight-to-the-bone talk with my folks...
I'll do whatever i want and enjoy it to the fullest...
i'll eat whatever i want and fill myself up to the throat...
though i'll keep all of my guarded secrets to the grave... it's not a secreif anybody else knew about it, wouldn't it?...

I'll say goodbye with a smile and give a big sweaty hug to everyone...

Live everyday like it was your last, live to the fullest and go with a bang......

Reality as seen by a scholar of the nation....

2009-07-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

I am a scholar of the nation.
As a scholar of the nation, I am encouraged to use the opportunity of a cheap education for my own future and the future of the nation itself, though education itself is already a business.
And as scholars come and go the hope of obtaining true education itself has become next to impossible. The ever-fading glory of a university can only be retained by its ever-vigilant residents; but even that is already fading as well.

Mismanagement, corruption, pollution, poverty, insignificance, oppression; will they teach us more?

Mismanagement caused great financial losses to the university itself; millions of funds were spent renovating and beautifying the outer image of the campus itself as the scholars experience sub-standard equipments and lack of facilities.
Corruption has rippled from high above the ranks and have turned into tidal waves of budget cuts upon the most important budget allotment; education. And now, the burden of education is gradually making its way onto the pockets of those who have been stolen from.
Pollution is a sign of neglect; neglect for caring about the planet and watching it die right before the very eyes of the next generation. This neglect also pertains to all of those who have the power, but cannot sway the minds of many to make a statement that those who have the higher voice can call to.
Poverty was once before the eyes of the scholars, a long slum area once seemed to be a screen of reality to those scholars; teaching them lessons of life that they can only experience if they have not chosen the path to an educated life. A reminder of consequences kept scholars head-strong and made them wiser.
Insignificance was rubbed onto our faces and told us to bend down, and stay down. Are our voices inaudible? Are our existences unfelt? Hardly a question for those who see us but do not sense us.
Oppression is now slowly eating away our morale. The ever-youthful scholars are forcefully made into adults, adults who’d rather go with the flow and avoid defiance. Idealism and idealists are being gunned-down and buried with secrecy; may it be deep into the forests, the bottom of a river, or a cement-filled drum. Defiance results in the loss of one’s life.

Shall they teach us more? Shall they awaken a sleeping rage that has been boiling for ages?
I guess not, for they have been sneaking under our very noses.
Corroding and taking away our voice and our freedom, one foundation at a time.
Until our idealism crumbles so that we, the scholars, can never make another reality.

The key to the future, we hold in our hands…
The question is… can we ever use it?

rain........ and more of it......

2009-07-10T09:48:00.000-07:00

ah, rain...... the beautiful clattering noise that comes down every once in a while......
always have i cherished such moments; alone, sitting on my bedside, sipping coffee while staring out the window......

watching as the world around me takes a bath....... washing all of its troubles for a second, before diving again into the norm in which humans have made upon its face.........

it is peaceful, and at the same time, noisy....... the marriage of droplets and roofs hypnotize and take me on a ride unlike any other......

for it is the time when the surroundings are all covered in a blanket of water, ever flowing down, back into the earth where it sprang..... the cycle complete to and fro, balance being done....

clitter clatter, pitter patter......... soothing rain just can't be any better......

and as i enjoy a little cool breeze up in the veranda, i wonder what those whom i watch do.........are they staying inside their houses all snuggled-up and warm?....... or do they still do the usual things they have done in and out routinarily?.......

i sure do hope that they're not as bummed as me.....what else would i watch when all of human kind became bums........cuties won't be as cute........ nor beauties as well.........hunks would not be hunky........ but green and something else.......haha....... those people..... becoming bums?.......... nah!!

so let x be x and y be y........... or something like that........... boy, those calculus lessons are really taking a toll on my bored-out mind.........

it sure is pouring lightly......... just a short drizzle, then off, drizzle, then off again........ i'm writing this down as i watch from my room's window........ sipping coffee and eating chunky soup for the soul (err, i mean chicken soup)

it reminded me of the trip me and my buddies had, it was in real, quezon province........

one of my bud's clan owns a small resort right at the beach, nothing fancy, just a few roofed cottages, a home entertainment system, and lots and lots of sand as the floor itself........

oh, and there was a typhoon that two-day vacation........

the cottages didn't have walls so we were practically freezing our butts off as we struggled to sleep; let alone freeze the snot out of our noses......

but after all that, we survived and woke-up to a stunning view of the horizon.... a couple of pictures here and there, battle poses, cool profile shots, and we were happy bums........

so now, on this shady and chilled friday.... bathe my beloved earth.... bathe.... tomorrow, will be like the rest...... until you relieve yourself from the burden that is us......

taking a walk inside a nearby mall on a very gloomy sunday......

2009-07-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

a gloomy sunday to all and to all a cloudy day........

it was last sunday and everything started out just like any other sunday in the life of a bored-out-of-mind college student...... waking up 10 in the morning and having cold and hard pan-de-sal together with a piping-hot cup-o'-joe......

nothing much to do but flip all over the living room couch while watching discovery........

so i decided to take a walk inside the neighborhood mall (two blocks away.)....... and i stumbled upon a few kids down the foot-bridge in front of the mall ("rugby-boys" as we call them here in the phils. -since they're always sniffing high-inducing adhesives and solvents)..... i've got nothing interesting in my pocket to give anyone today (just 50 Php/$ 1.25 approximately.).... and i'm also hungry so i decided to walk on by, seeing to it that i don't succumb to any good-willed money-giving impulse that people have when they see poor kids littering about.....

got inside the mall, bought a few snacks (nuts, crackers, caramel popcorn and a packet of juice)..... walked around some more, sat on a bench up in the 4th floor and watched the world revolve...... ahh, the 4th floor of entertainment, with all the arcade games, cinemas and whatnot..... it was easy to find a few cute college and/or high-school girls prancing around with their cute little gal-packs...... man, did they have me drooling.... anyways, back to the fun part....

giving someone something from my pocket.......
took a few seconds to draw something out from the jungle in my side-pocket.....
aha!..... a cute but tasty japanese candy........ apple flavor i think...... (got it from my japanese aunt)

so i looked around me, and there was no one on the bench but me and a cute little girl (4 to 6 y/o i presume)...... so i gave her the candy, it was so small, that my fingernails were just about the same size......

curious enough, the girl looked at me with he innocent looking eyes as she held a cone of cotton-candy on her right hand...... slowly, she took the small piece of candy i had in my hand - smiled and then ran away to whom i think is her older sister...... she took a quick glance at me and talked to the kid.........

seeing to it that i was heading for a smack on the face (if i was ever to be thought of as a pedophile) i quickly turned my head and gobbled up a few crackers until my mouth was full..... worst came to worst, she headed straight for me...... carrying in her arms the little tyke......
she came up to me and said "i told her not to take anything from strangers"....
so i replied in a very calm but nerve-racking "i'm sorry, it's just a habit of mine.... she reminds me of my younger brother"
she asked "and why is that?"
and i truthfully replied "our mom used to dress him up as a girl..... she always wanted one"
a couple of laughs and i was clear from the danger zone......

it's pretty amazing how young parents nowadays become more frequent.......
she was just about my age when she got her little human being........

people really are interesting........ need i find more entertainment?..... i don't think so......

(i didn't have a digicam with me that time, and i also don't own a cellphone, so i didn't have the chance to get a memorable photo.......... i guess memories would do nicely for a souvenir)

There's a first for (almost) everything.......

2009-07-04T04:25:00.000-07:00

For starters, i want to thank my friend; EDifiED, for introducing me to the world of blogging.... Well, he just started himself and got me interested in this curious world.... 'nuf said, time for me....

Hmm..... I'm 18, a student at the not-so-likely-prestigious university that is PUP..... not that i'm not proud of my school, i'm just saying the facts.... the fact is, we have seen what really goes down when it comes to the down-low.... with all the ever-present education budget-cuts and all.....

Nothing special about me... i just like pressing keys (if you know what i mean.) I'm just a watcher, evenly seeing the world from different points of views.... fitting into almost everybody's shoes could get quite interesting.... Seeing as the world is cramped-up this much with people multiplying like live specimen on a petri dish..... simply amazing........

And all of what they've done and about to do...... people fascinate me (when they're unaware that someone like me is watching them.) Sometimes, i'd like to do something to further pique my interest on people.....

i give them something from my pocket...... like this.....
it's a sea cockroach.....
not much for a something-something from a friend, but this is the sea cockroach i gave to my first reciever.... EDifiED, he held it up front and flashed it in the face with his newly-bought digicam...... (no sea cockroaches were harmed in the making of this blog.)

well.... sure it wasn't the cutest sea-critter of all... but it sure could induce lunch-spilling side-effects..... (i threw-up because i smelled its thorax/stomach/belly.) eww-da-toilet.......

i hope this wasn't a complete waste of time....... maybe someday, something will be given to those who read this, from a pocket of a stranger.....